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Life In Keynsham
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Alternative meanings with surreal leanings
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See also: Swineford, Swine flu, Bird Flu, Chimney Flue → Number of boozers: 4
Saltford is a tiny hamlet located in the mid-Chandag Region of Keynsham on the banks of the River Avon. Saltford was named after the popular food condiment and is currently being realigned, in accordance with EU regulations.
See also: Tennents, Mel Gibson, Groundskeeper Willie → Capital Cities: Berwick-upon-Tweed, Groats
Scotland is a mountainous region located in the north of England, and is ruled by a Mayor who is currently called Robert The Bruce. The area is known for its unknown monster and crystal-clear accent, and is often visited by underwater Vikings from Russia. Scotland's primary exports are tartan and booze. The region has 2 football clubs, some oil and a wall.
Ship Inn (The)
See also: proper pub, Lord mayor's office, pigeons on the wall → Size of car park: walk
The Ship Inn is a public house situated in Temple Street, Keynsham, and is the oldest building on the east side of the street by a country mile. Contrary to popular belief, the Ship Inn is not sinking into the Park below - the road is 18 inches higher than the pub's floor on account of lazy Ye Olde Council workers who couldn't be bothered to scrape the old road surface off before applying the new one. The Ship Inn has an active Pentanque scene and, until recently, boasted a proper hand-painted pub sign.
See also: Heaven, Rupert Murdoch, God, Bohemian Rhapsody, Ceiling Decorations → Invented: 1458-59
The sky is a term used to describe the roof of the Universe, which is everywhere, providing everywhere actually means 'up'. And, if the preceding sentence resolves as true, you will have found the sky. Well done. You've just experienced photo-tropism. Feeling drowsy yet?
The sky, named by the Ancient Greeks after the God Of Television, is a very long way away. Further, in fact, than the distance you would achieve if you placed all the World's trains end to end in a vaguely upwards direction. That process, while in itself being a bit tricky to pull off, would only get you just under half way there, mainly because the sky is, to be scientific about it, fucking far off.
Early star gazers considered the sky to be 'about as far as Milan', before keener types such as Galileo, Scaramouche, Bizmillah and Moore et al demonstrated this to be untrue, causing the early mob to quit astronomy and take up jobs as information clerks for Italia Railways, at which they were very successful until some idiot stole all the trains in the name of 'scientific research'. When telescopes got larger, mankind gained taller buildings to put them in, resulting in the contents of the sky getting somewhat closer than they were before, though still not as near as Milan.
As time travel becomes more widespread, everyday humans will be able to see the wonder of the sky without leaving the kitchen. Only then will the true distance to the sky, and, presumably, the heavens (for a long time believed to be a mere three steps away), be accurately known. We'll be able to look at what the sky looked like yesterday, last month, before Christ, tomorrow, next week - all with the accuracy of having been there. Want to know what clothes to take on your summer holiday to Lyme Regis? Simply strap yourself in to the RonCo Time Chair™, set the controls to Dorset, mid-June, and hey presto, all the proof you'll ever need to convince you to pack the chunky-knit jumper and wellies.
Here in the present, mankind has mastered the skies through technological breakthroughs to rival that of the slicing of bread. Satellites 'ping' data into dustbin lids nailed to the sides of houses in the blink of an eye, while inter-planetary probes can tell us the weather on other worlds. We can even land a souped-up vacuum cleaner on an orbiting comet with cocky nonchalance, yet forecasting the weather here on Planet Earth is still a three-A-Levels-and-a-mate-in-personnel sort of position to hold. Ultimately, it's not what you know, but what you don't.
See also: Narnia, roman britain, frys, miners strike → current status: tasty acquisition
Somerdale is the invented name given to an area of land located in The Hams region of Keynsham, Somerset. The underlying geology in the area contains numerous chocolate seams and is currently occupied by the world-famous out-sourcers Cadburys. Somerdale is bordered to the north by the River Avon and is an Area of Outstanding Development Potential (AODP).
See also: key markets, gateway, monopoly → current status: clean-up in aisle 3
Somerfield was a food hall and off licence located in downtown Keynsham, Somerset, which was built on the site of the former Lamb & Lark Hotel. The shop was constructed in the 1970's by David Greig & Sons, and featured a checkout. Despite several refits, Somerfield never became popular with local shoppers, due mainly to its Mediaeval queueing system and cold climate.
In late 2009, following the construction of a drive-through green grocers nearby, the store was closed down for a bit and painted red, in order to confuse local residents into thinking Tesco's had finally come to town.
See also: Cider, Adge Cutler, Roll in the hay, carrots → Honours: World Cup winners, 1958
Somerset is the oldest, largest and most powerful Royal County in England. It was founded by King Arthur in 634, who promptly instructed his Round Knights to build Glastonbury Tor in honour of his decision to not attend the Festival that year. Somerset is famed the World over for producing industrial-strength apple juice, known locally as 'cider' or 'scrumpy'. The lethal dose is just 3 imperial pints (23 litres). The County Mayor is currently Ian Botham - former encumbents include Che Guevara, Lord Lucan and the drummer from The Manic Street Preachers. The administrative capital of the County is Taunton Deane, which also boasts a motorway service station.
In 1978, Somerset was awarded Freedom Of The Country, since when it has gone on to break the World record for the most people in a phone box without vomiting. The Mendip mountain range attracts over 7 visitors each year.
See also: North BANES, East Monmouthshire, Glocks-upon-seat → Contains free parking? Yes
South Gloucestershire (usually referred to as 'South Gloucs', pronounced 'Sowf Glocks') is the name given to a predominantly barren land mass situated to the north of the River Avon in England. The area was captured from the Avonian People by the Sowf Glocks tribe in 1996, following a series of administrative errors. South Gloucestershire is home to the settlements of Bitton, Willsbridge and Gloucester, and is famed for its Asda Temple at Longwell Green. Passport control exists at all border crossing points.
Spirit Of '68 (The)
See also: 68 Guns, 68 comeback, when I'm 64, route 66 → Main ingredient: folks with gumption
The Spirit Of '68 is a phrase used to describe the community-togetherness which exists in Keynsham during times of crisis or celebration. The term originates from the Great Flood™ of 1968, when the townsfolk experienced great trauma, yet pulled together as a team in order to get Keynsham back on its feet again.
St John's Church
See also: keynsham abbey, church's newsagent, haunted → Years since last tower collapse: Over 200
St John's Church (commonly known as 'Keynsham Church') is the parish church of Keynsham and is the one often referred to by Keynsham citizens as 'the tall one by the Pioneer'. It was built several times over the last 700 years and is the final resting place of the composer and mill owner George Handel, who also wrote the music for the bells. St John's Church is currently home to God. Occasionally it falls down a bit, but it will always be the best building in town. Amen.
See also: moses, red sea, red riding hood, snakes on a plain → Sponsored by: Blue Circle
St Keyna is the stage name of the popular Welsh magician, juggler, sculptor and town-namer Gwenyth 'Saint' Keyna, who arrived in Keynsham in A.D. 453, whilst travelling during her gap year. Upon reaching Keynsham, she was warned by local councillors about the deadly snakes left behind by the retreating Romans. Undeterred, Gwenyth promptly rendered the serpents useless with cement, and was allowed to pitch her tent on the Crown Fields as a reward for her efforts. St Keyna went on to build a modest house at the Gas Board in Temple Street, and later decided to call her new home Keynsham, meaning 'Get orf moi laaaaand, Boyo'.
|Written by Albert Mills. Copyright © 2009-2022 Albert Mills. All rights reserved. See also www.albertmills.co.uk/caneshum|