Albert Mills - Caneshum Man The World according to Albert Mills

Encyclopedia Mills - B
Alternative meanings with surreal leanings
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Bananas     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: key centre disco, underage boozing, banned for life → Status: devoured by monkeys
Bananas was an under-16's disco which took place every other Friday evening in the River Suite at Keynsham. Virtually every teenager in the 'house' was monstrously pissed on a cocktail of cheap cans of bitter and red wine, all consumed with haste at the Boating House in the Park. The DJ played Take On Me by A-Ha every third song and spoke like a man trapped at the bottom of a deep well with a bucket stuck on his head. Bananas served as a sex education course for many of its attendees, largely thanks to the ample-sized, nicotene-stained curtains. It was closed in the late 80's following an outbreak of Red Tape. The disco was popular with the local police, who often attended.

Bandstand (The)     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: pyramids of giza, the louvre, toblerone bridge → Last known headliner: bmx bandits
The Bandstand was the name given to a structure which used to exist by the River Chew in Keynsham Park. The building featured a dynamic roof that was shaped like a cross between Nelson's tricorner hat and a chubby Concorde taking off with a caravan tied to its undercarriage. The Bandstand survived the Great Flood™ of 1968, plus several yob-caused fires, yet couldn't withstand the relentless onslaught of progress and was demolished by The Councils. In 2009, a new band shelter was constructed illegally on the site.

BANES     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: warm dip, fly tip, Iceland, Mowlem → days since last mishap: 4
BANES (short for 'Bath Asks, No-one Else Should') is an administrative company based in Keynsham, near Bristol, and was formerly known as Wansdyke District Council. BANES is primarily responsible for spending money on the Foot Spa in Bath, along with excessive health facilities and Red Tape cultivation. BANES is the bitter rival of Keynsham Town Council and lives in the Gas Board in Temple Street, just yards away from the Ship Inn. BANES ply their trade in the second division of the Western League and play in light blue shirts, green shorts and white socks. BANES is sponsored by Ringway and possesses a fleet of Bragging Wagons.

Bath     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: romans, foot spa, confused motorists → Twinned with: Twerton, Leamington
Bath is what's left of the formerly great Roman city of Aqua Freshe. It occupies a predominantly lowland area in the lower Chandag Region of Keynsham and derives its main income from Council Tax revenues and tourist admission to the Foot Spa. The hot spring that once filled mosaic-hewn caladarii in the 2nd and 3rd centuries is now just a tepid trickle which drains local resources and feeds the River Avon. Bath is famed for its colourful Lord, who regularly holds Betterware parties at his Longleat lion maze. The V-shaped weir in the city is named after Gavin Pulteney, a local butcher, and was built to stop Booze Cruises migrating upstream to East Bath.

Bath Hill Mosaics (The)     Icon Icon Icon
See also: tate, damien hirst, rolf harris, smeared chips → Number of pieces: gasp, cough, wheeze...
The Bath Hill Mosaics are a series of tesserated artworks bequeathed to the people of Keynsham by the retreating Romans. The Mosaics are located in the region of Keynsham Clock Tower and feature people and places from the local area including Gwenyth 'Saint' Keyna, Albert Mills and The Duke of Monmouth. The Bath Hill Mosaics are made from licquorice, MDF and felt tip pens, and are classed as Grade 1 Unlisted Monuments. Local legend states that no man has ever successfully counted all of the Mosaics due to the effects of Nitrogen Dioxide poisoning. In 1965, a new mosaic was commissioned depicting the Mosaics. Delivery is expected in 2021.

Battle Of Lays Drive (The)     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: Battle of avon mill lane, battle of the beanfield → did it really happen? Sort of... ish
The Battle Of Lays Drive was the brainchild of King Arthur and King Alfred, who were having a bit of bother with a few Vikings down in The Park at Keynsham. Taunted by the Danes for being 'beardy carrot-crunchers', the Kings saw red and chased the invaders up Charlton Road. They successfully eliminated the Viking forces in a Pincer-induced punch-up near Lays Farm, by the bus stop. The Battle Of Lays Drive was almost called The Battle Of Lockingwell Road, but the last retreating Dane put on a bit of a spurt at the end.

Battle Of Temple Street (The)     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: 100 Years War, Hand of God → Final score: 2-2 draw, BANES won 5-3 on penalties
The Battle Of Temple Street was a four-week military skirmish which took place at the turn of the century between Keynsham's two rival power brokers, BANES and Keynsham Town Council. The conflict developed from a petty pub argument about who got the Riverside building after the Gas Board's previous tenants did a runner. An uneasy ceasefire was negotiated following the intervention of Church's, who awarded the trophy and winners medal to BANES captain Letz Queue. The Keynsham Army was formed soon afterwards.

Big K (The)     Icon Icon
See also: The big lebowski, big daddy, who's yer daddy, dr who → years in existence: loads
The Big K is an often-heard, informal name that refers to the town of Keynsham in England. The phrase is popular among the citizens of the town, and is widely-used, for example: "Nah mate, f**k going to Bath on Friday night, I'm hitting The Big K for a gallon of scrumpy." The format of the phrase was recently copied by one of Keynsham's rival towns, Midsomer Norton, but the computer repair company Microsoft objected to the term The Big MSN. The case continues.

Bitton     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: shelbeyville, noel edmonds, police bridge, bin fire → current status: still there
Bitton is a hamlet situated in the northern wastes of Keynsham, with an unknown population. The settlement is a hot bed for insurgents operating under the guise of the Bitton Liberation Front (BLF). Although disbanding in 2002, the BLF were widely suspected of being responsible for the theft of Keynsham Clock Tower in the autumn of 2003. Bitton is semi-famed for its Train To Nowhere and dodgy fuel station. Like Springfield, Bitton has a tyre fire.

Boating House (The)     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: viborg, durex, solvent, abuse, smell of wee → Built by: Ray Mears & Monty Don
The Boating House was a small edifice situated next to the River Chew in the Park at Keynsham. The building featured a porch overlooking the adjacent Boating Pond and a metal rod in the roof which could be used to do manly excercises while trying to impress would-be girlfriends. The Boating House served many purposes including a youth club, public lavatory, drinking den and mating area. The structure collapsed in the 1990's after an exceptionally heavy outbreak of Red Tape and was replaced by a green box with a Banksy on it.

Booze Cruise     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: Samuel Taylor Coleridge, Amity, Don Masson → Tipple of choice: Avon Springwater
Booze Cruise is a term used to describe the modern-day phenomenon of witnessing fifty pissed revellers on a disco barge turn an otherwise peaceful river valley into a scene resembling that of a Tennents Extra-sponsored free street party in Govan where everyone's celebrating a 6-0 Scotland victory over England in the football World Cup final.

Despite repeated calls from the Pro-Red Tape party, Booze Cruises are still legal currency in mainland England, proving beyond all doubt that the old adage about alcohol and water not mixing is a load of pish and tosh. Listen out for a Booze Cruise whenever you're next within six miles of the River Avon.

Bragging Wagon     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: boast, smokescreen, propaganda, dr mabuse → condition of wheels: falling off
A Bragging Wagon is a small white van operated by Keynsham-based authority brokers BANES. Bragging Wagons often feature garishly-coloured fuselage slogans proclaiming everything to be alright, usually when everything is far from alright. Read more.

Bristol     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: Trip Hop, Hip Hop, Hip Ops → Claim to fame: Brunel left a load of nice things behind
Bristol is a small fishing village located on the western flank of Keynsham-upon-Chew-upon-Avon, with a population, allegedly. It is reknowned for being the birthplace of Concorde and for not having a top flight football team. Several famous people made their names in Bristol, including President Nixon and Shaking Stevens. Until recently, the settlement was governed by a local tribe known as the Banksians. In 1995, the overall administrative control of the town passed into the hands of Tesco, the corner shop proprietors. People from Bristol speak in a distinctive rounded burr, often like the sound of Hollywood pirates. Bristol's main exports are carrots and waste products.

Brown Field     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: smelting works, pollution, corruption → Influenced by: brown envelopes of cash
Brown Field is a term used to describe an area of natural countryside which has been upgraded from its former Green Belt status, often without the public knowing until its too late. Once a region of land has been classed as Brown Field, it is usually developed with heavy industrial units, low-grade housing and an area where Yummy Mummys can throw bread crusts to the pigeons and rats. Any Brown Field site remaining undeveloped for 10 years or less is subject to a Compulsory Construction Order (CCO). The Brown Field is a more voracious feeder than its Green counterpart, and is likely to completely over-run England's Green Belt population by 2014.

Buy To Let     Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: cyber squatting, unaffordable homes, robbie fowler → Status: Credit crunched
Buy To Let is a phrase invented to describe the phenomenon of middled-aged couples re-mortgaging their kidneys in order to buy extra property. The couples - who have usually watched too many property-based programmes on TV - then let the house/flat/broom cupboard at inflated rates, using the resultant income to buy additional property, and so on. Many Buy To Let couples fall apart not long after as the realisation dawns that they will never be Duncan Bannatyne off Dragons' Den.

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