Albert Mills - Caneshum Man The World according to Albert Mills

Encyclopedia Mills - R
Alternative meanings with surreal leanings
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Rawlings     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: Hall's prams & toys, halfords, crystal rooms → Best shop in town? Yes
Rawlings was a completely famous shop in Bath Hill, Keynsham, and used to sell bikes, Airfix boats, soldiers and train sets. It was often filled with youngsters waving their 'birthday money' around like they intended to spend it. Rawlings left Keynsham when a gambling shop and glasses seller took over.

Red Ruben     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: scooby doo, pesky kids, water way to go → Number of confirmed sightings: none
Red Ruben is the name of a ghost that is said to haunt the Albert Mill in Ye Olde Parte of Keynsham. Local records state that Mr Ruben fell into the River Chew and was dragged to his violent death through the sluices and into the waterwheel. Legend has it that anyone in the vacinity of the mill who is heard to speak his name three times in quick succession will be met by the ghost of Red Ruben, who will be both angry and axe-wielding. Possible ghostly murder follows.

Red Tape     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: Loony left, looney tunes, swine flu, terror-derived paranoia → Position in food chain: top
Red Tape (Finickitus meddlinis) is a highly-contagious viral infection which reproduces unsexily inside the host organism. All forms of life are susceptible to infection by Red Tape, which thrives in areas of excessive administration or high morals. Red Tape can be successfully treated through regular injections of the miracle drug Common Sense™, though large doses are required to completely eradicate the virus from the system. Experts predict that an unchecked outbreak of Red Tape could become pandemic in the Universe within three Earth years.

River Avon (Bristol)     Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: Sewage disposal, endangered flood plains, augustus gloop → Status: Biologically Dead
The River Avon (known as the Bristol Avon) has one of the highest dissolved chocolate levels in Europe, with recent tests showing a glass-and-a-half per square bucket full of river 'water'. It is one of 223 rivers in the West of England sharing the name 'Avon', which literally means 'pipeline'. The Avon's source is at Bath, where it flows from the hot springs that fuelled the once great Roman city. The river is popular with boat-loving alcoholics, who frolic into the small hours on so-called Booze Cruises between Bristol and Hereford. The Avon holds many aquatic fish including the popular Red-Finned Towel Fish (Alwaysius pantylinus). It flows into the River Chew at Keynsham.

River Chew     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: Nile, Chew Barbel, ducks, diving → Total length: 325 Earth miles
The River Chew (pronounced 'chew', not 'shoe') is the third largest river on mainland Earth. It rises at Chew Valley Lake, a glacier-formed loch in the Mendip mountain range, and flows predominantly downhill to the town of Keynsham. Here the River Chew is joined by its chief tributary, the River Avon, after which it drains into the Atlantic Ocean at Liskeard. The river is famous for its Great Flood™ of 1968, and the award-winning Echo Bridge™. Several species of dolphin use the upper River Chew for breeding and ball games. In 2004, over 3 imperial tons of gravel were stolen when thieves broke into the River Chew at Compton Dando.

River Suite (The)     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: Colston Hall, black belt, Chow Mein, stained curtains → Years since spruce-up: 25
The River Suite is a rectolinear-shaped room located in the Gas Board building in Temple Street, Keynsham. The River Suite is often used by people who need to lose weight and for Feng Shui classes. During the 1980's, The River Suite was home to the legendary under-age booze-fest disco called Bananas.

Romans (The)     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: russell crowe, gloaming, pilates, boxercise → still knocking about? no, extinct
The Romans were a bossy tribe from Romania who invaded England in the year zero using longships and camels. Over 300 centurians landed in the River Avon at Keynsham, Somerset, where they prompty built a villa and ruled the known country. The occupation of Rome lasted until 4:30 when the Roman Foreign Legion, under pressure from Wansdyke District Council, were called home to build the Great Pyramids of Zola.

The Roman retreat prompted a period of history in England known as the Dark Age, where law and order broke down and people started arguing about boundary fences and who owned what - a tradition that survives to this day. Many legacies were left by the Romans including the Bath Hill Mosaics and the Foot Spa at Keynsham's rival city Bath.

Ronto's Alley     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: urinal, keynsham busker, banksy, chewing gum → Listed In Domesday book? Yes
Ronto's Alley is the name given to a narrow thoroughfare that runs between Church's and Ronto's in the High Street at Keynsham. The Alley is famed for its graffiti-strewn walls and features a high-speed trolley link, enabling passengers to park, ride, shop and drop in one visit.

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