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Life In Keynsham
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Alternative meanings with surreal leanings
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See also: Water drier, wind pissing, CFCs, old fridges → Owned by: People who are wimps
A patio heater is a device used by unhardy office-based Humans to heat the Earth's atmosphere. Before the invention of the patio heater, people used to put a coat on.
See also: Timsbury, Corston, Volcano, Thoroughfare → Last seen: 1973
Pee In The Park
See also: Little Glastonbury, 2-tone, mud wrestling → Occurs on: The first rainy sunday in july
Pee In The Park is an annual rock festival held during the rainy season in Keynsham Park, and is hosted by Keynsham Town Council. For nine of the last ten years the prestigious event has been headlined by the Madness Tribute Act. Pee In The Park hit the headlines in 2004 when a riot broke out following the cancellation of the Madness Tribute Act due to Suggs having the squits. Pee In The Park occasionally attracts a Wurzel or two, and is widely-regarded as being the best free festival in the BANES region, thanks largely to the Spirit Of '68.
See also: Acker Bilk, speed camera, sub-aqua church → Invented in: Late neolithic period
Pensford is a settlement located in the valley of the River Chew in the western arm of the Nicer Region of Keynsham. Notorious monogamist King Henry VIII sent his antiquary Leland to Pensford a few years ago, who duly recorded: "A praty market townlet occupied with clothing." Leland's works were later discredited when it was discovered that his report also described Keynsham as 'ruinous' and 'smokey'. Although he was right about the smoke, it didn't stop Leland getting a right old kicking when he stopped off for refreshment at the Wingrove on his way back to London. Pensford possesses three gold mines and a Roman viaduct made of clay.
See also: enlightenment, natural high, un-natural low, celibacy → Country of origin: Pangea
Perpetual Knowledge is a term used to describe a state of never-ending knowledge within a Human person or other being. Perpetual Knowledge works by a process known as Life, where information is gathered by the brain, which then feeds the belly with food. The resultant knowledge is then transferred back to the brain by a process known as 'thinking' or 'thoughts', where it is stored in tiny pink capsules as rememberable knowledge.
People who have mastered the art of Perpetual Knowledge are said to be 'Know-alls' or 'Geeks', and are often lonely, restful or just plain weird to normal people. The actor Neo from the film Matrix I is a Geek. He can see all things and can download tricky moves because he is a third dan Perpetual Knowledgist.
See also: next stop drive, phil from time team, double decker → number of years on job: probably
Phil is a name used to describe the perma-becapped, amiable A-Bus driver on the Keynsham to Bristol 349 service. Phil is very a popular member of the community who will always drop you close to your door, even if you live in Aberdeen.
Picnic Area (The)
See also: st john's car park, submerged cars, wild fires, wild camping → Built in: 1970
The Picnic Area is the name given to a segment of land which used to be the River Avon in Keynsham. Despite its name, no-one has ever seen anyone having a picnic there. The Picnic Area is popular with al fresco drinkers and pleasure seekers.
See also: woodbine cottages, fairfield terrace, weeing in the street → whereabouts: chucked out
Piddletown was a local term used to describe the area of cottages that once stood between the New Inn and the River Chew in Keynsham, England. Piddletown was eventually demolished in order to to make way for a grassy slope. See also: New Piddletown
See also: fontels, mcguinnesses, gentlemans' nights, table tennis → opens: When it wants to
The Pioneer is a lively public house in Station Road, Keynsham, constructed by Brunel in order to nourish his legions of railway builders.
See also: Copper chopper, early-whirly-bird, eye in the sky, artie pie → Cost to tax payer: loads
The Police Helicopter is a device used by local law enforcers to disrupt the sleep patterns of ordinary tax-paying community members by hovering aimlessly over residential areas in the small hours of the night. The resultant next-day weariness causes motorists to commit minor traffic offences, in turn boosting the copper's coffers via fixed penalty notices (or 'Fixed Justice Notes'). The Police Helicopter is also used as a means of discovering who doesn't have sufficient lagging in their loft. Occasionally it is used in attempts to catch petty criminals, often when it would be cheaper to let them run away.
Post Office (The)
See also: snaking queues, the lurker, val doonican cd's, too many screens → Now serving: lunch
The Post Office is a name given to the out-of-sorts building in the High Street at Keynsham, where people queue up for hours to buy stamps. The Post Office is officially the warmest shop in Keynsham - in 1976, temperatures rose sufficiently high enough to melt chocolate ore. The Post Office is home to a tribe of be-shorted people known as 'Posties', who patrol the streets in the small hours of the afternoon delivering leaflets about double glazing to houses with double glazing.
See also: Pisa, injured priest → Number of on-the-run fugitives discovered since 1945: 1
Publow is a small town located in the Nicer Region of Keynsham. It is famous for its Gap. Contrary to widespread speculation, there is not a low pub in Publow, but the church is definately leaning a bit. Publow lives in the shadow of the River Chew, near Pensford.
See also: dapps hill woods, abandoned observers, bmx track → last seen: yonks ago
The Pynes was a house that formerly stood under the conker trees in Dapps Hill, in Ye Olde Parte of Keynsham. The Pynes boasted its own lake, replete with strutting peacocks, and was the reputed birthplace of Ron 'Dapper' Hill - one of Keynsham's oldest residents. The gateway to The Pynes can still be seen half way down Dapps Hill, next to the free parking area.
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