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Alternative meanings with surreal leanings
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Gas Board (The)     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: big box, little box, whistles, bells, alarmed → Cost of admission: over 1,000 p/a
The Gas Board is the name given to the big blocky brown buildings that ruin the east side of Temple Street in Keynsham. The Gas Board encompasses the Riverside, River Suite, Leisure Centre, St Keyna House and the shops between the fire station and the bed shop that never looks open, but which always has a sale on. The Gas Board was first built in the early 1970's, but was rebuilt from the top down in the 1980's when it was discovered that putty had been used instead of cement. The present tenants of the Gas Board are the property moguls BANES. The entire complex is due to be converted into a farm and student allotments in 2011.



Global Warming     Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: Greenhouses, The Gas Board, Cows → Conversation trendiness rating: 87%
Ever since mankind commenced felling Wales-sized areas of trees in a quest for better furniture, the weather has been on the change. Only last year the infamous El Nino weather system caused havoc when unseasonal rains hit the Wimbledon tennis finals. Other places have experienced hell storms and deadly yellow ice, while some unfortunate areas of the West Country in England have been exposed to mind-expanding, smoke-like fog, all largely thanks to people's desire to make things out of wood. The less trees there are, the deeper the sea gets. And therein layeth the problem - less fish per cubic metre of ocean means angrier vegetarians. World destruction follows.



God     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: Jesus, Mary, Mungo, Midge, Vienna, Steven Hawking → Last seen: 1 B.C.
A God is a personified notion of a higher force or being, often held by Earthling Humans as a way of understanding that which cannot be explained using existing knowledge alone. Several attempts have been made by semi-organised groups of Humans, known as 'religions', to bring the perceived deity closer to Humanity through a process known as 'worship'.

The effectiveness of prayer is largely unproven, though the favourable by-products of the process include immense wealth and corruptable power. The only tangible evidence for the existence of a God is a scripture delivered to Earth, via an animated cartoon called 'Futurama', in which an entity believed to be God states: "When you do something right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all."



Great Flood™ (The)     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: Noah, freak weather, armageddon → Days since last mentioned in Keynsham: 2
The Great Flood™ was a severe weather event that hit Keynsham and the surrounding area in July 1968, causing mass destruction and, sadly, loss of life. Many mediaeval stone bridges were destroyed by the torrent, to eventually be replaced by grotesque concrete structures. The carnage was so bad that the Duke of Edinburgh visited the area to gloat as householders cleared lorries and fish from their attics. Several cars were recovered from lanes near Queen Charlton, though police later confirmed they were abandoned by joyriders, not the flood waters. At the time of the catastrophe, leading weather experts declared the floods to be a 'one in forty year event', which leaves us all feeling a little anxious as we enter the 41st anniversary year.



Green Bays     Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: green day, green bay packers, green onions → Estimated number: Less than 30
Green Bays are limited edition areas of free parking that exist in the car park near the Clock Tower in Keynsham, Somerset. Green Bays are nostalgic reminders of the days when Free Parking lived in the town, and are often the cause of motorist-based territorial disputes, sometimes called 'Road Rage'. Anyone parking in a Green Bay for longer than 20 minutes is subject to a fine of 25p and a ticking-off from one of the Green Bay Masters, who patrol the area with stopwatches and CB's.



Green Belt     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: ambiguous, travellers → Natural predators: brown field, fat cats, property sharks
Green Belt is an Old English term used to describe an area of land that is currently ley or pasture, but which has scope for future development. During times of financial difficulties, such as the Credit Crunch™, Green Belt land is often left in its natural state. However, in more solvent times, Green Belt land is usually discreetly re-classified as a Brown Field site. Owners of soon-to-be-Brown Field Green Belt sites generally retire earlier, own several villas in Andalucia and are often on barbeque terms with local councillors, planners and their wives.



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