In the past few weeks we have: bombed the Charlton Road, making it almost impassable; sabotaged the bridge at Chewton Keynsham, cutting off access on that front; installed an electronic barrier at the border between the City of QC and the hamlet of Cane Shum; released a horde of genetically modified giant moles to guard the border; sabotaged a bus that was trying to get up the Charlton Road; dealt with any Caneshumites who dared to besmirch our Royal borders. I bet you thought that was a PIG we roasted at the Fete, eh?

We will not rest until all your crappy shops are dust and our sheep can graze down to the shores of the Avon! Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Lt Cdr Totter-Brandy, QCIA, the Royal City of Queen Charlton.

In these times of hardship, innit nice that they council people of the power is gonna build us some new 'ouses where they nasty kids keep playing football. Me and the girls is looking forward to livin' in our own village, 'specially if they puts in one of they theme parks too. It's what us olderly folks needs. God bless. Ada, Keynsham.

I just drove through Keynsham over the bridge opposite the train station and was witness to a crazy guy prancing about a couple of inches away from death (or mild mutilation at least). The guy had climbed over the barrier and was rather unsteadily shouting at the police surrounding him. Don't know what happened next but when I got out of town, at Hick's Gate roundabout there were more cops stopping cars going down the bypass. Albert Tabernacle, Saltford.

Missed Sir Paul at Glastonbury but Ringo's drum workshop and sing-a-long at the Clock Tower Stage on Sunday more than made up for this - and we didn't get muddy. St Francis, West Side.

Now the Keynsham clock tower has bin returned me and my mates were thinkin' that its a shame that it wasn't like lost 4 ever. Wat 'bout pulling down like they did wit' the Berlin wall and Saddam's statue like. Then we could sell the bits of concrete and lumps of metal like as souviners ta 'ang around yer neck and old ladies like put on their mantle piece, right. Sharron, outskirts of Cane Shum.