THE FIRST annual Keynsham Bus Stunt Derby was such a success with the public that organisers are set to announce details of next years show within weeks. The highlight of the Charlton Road-hosted event - the rarely seen Ambulance Prop - attracted over 200 spellbound spectators. One excited viewer told us: "It were gert maccy! It were almost as if it were 'appening unscripted. That's 'ow good the drivers were. Just like that movie Speed it were. F*cking ace! No Keanu Reeves though."

ONLY ONE Keynsham resident in seven can actually spell the name of their town correctly, according to literature mag 'Pen & Ink'.

TEN RIDICULOUS search phrases that led to this site.

[1] Congested Cough
[2] World Will End In 2004
[3] Effects Of Electrocution
[4] Frankie Says T-Shirts
[5] Vivienne Westwood
     Stockists
[6] Cane Balls
[7] Corston Motor Co
[8] Support For Kleptomania
     In The UK
[9] 1970's Clock
[10] Driver Concorde
       Mini Eye Cam

PLANS TO introduce a roundabout at the junction of Ashton Way and Charlton Road have been called into question by leading conservation experts after it was revealed the site is home to an endangered species. Environmental campaigner Silas Allis told us: "This should not be allowed as the area is home to the Lesser-Spotted Road Surface. With numbers on the wane, it would be a scandal to lose this valuable eco-system." A full EA study is pending.

POLICE ARE appealing for witnesses to come forward following a rare crime incident near the town. Burglars broke into the River Chew at Compton Dando and stole gravel to the value of £978, before escaping in a stolen invalid cart. A police spokesman confirmed: "We are leaving no stone unturned in our quest for answers. We hope to get to the bottom of this soon."

KEYNSHAM FOLK were living in fear this week as it emerged that local wrestling crew EPW are on the look out for venues to film their grapple movies. EPW mainman Ken Flatt said: "I am hoping and even praying that our beloved town of Keynsham has an alotment, or even a huge sealed-off field somewhere. Or maybe the Council can build us a huge areana (one can dream eh)." Contact him via the EPW site if you can help.

A WORKERS' Anonymous session is being held at the Fear Institute next Weds (9th), where victims can receive free advice and support. Spokeswoman Regina Grundy commented: "It's time we recognised employment as a legitimate disease. Thousands suffer every day. With help, these people can go back to leading normal, everyday lives."

CHOCOLATE BOSSES at Cadbury's in 'Somerdale' have defended their recent decision to add nuts to their famous Double Decker sweet bars. The confectionery magnates were fending off accusations from consumer rights groups that the new bar amounted to nothing less than "a Snickers in Cadbury's clothing." One leading expert asked: "Why can't they put the raisins back in. At least bring back the classic foil wrapper of the early 1980's." A Cadbury spokesman hit back: "That's what Picnic's are for."

PANIC GRIPPED the offices of Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum last week when the website's famous joke book went missing. In a Bob Monkhouse-style situation, the dog-eared single page of A4 was later discovered in the photocopier by the office cleaners.

NO ACTION as yet down there on the junction of Charlton and Culvers, but at least a dozen pigeons were seen leaving the roof, possibly in readiness for the Mezzanine Bar and Cool-U-Like air condition units. Some of the weeds growing near the front doors are keeling over, possibly a result of the test-firing of the hi-tech dance-floor lazers. Exciting stuff. Read more about the cinema by clicking here.

FOR SALE: For sale. Mars Lander Craft, unused as new, c/w Blur CD and airbags. Call Colin 01234 567 8910. N/C

WANTED: Stunt drivers. Must be able to work shifts. Uniform provided. Contact FirstGroup, The Depot, Bristol.

FOR SALE: Ultra-violet light rays. Some harmful, but mostly in good cond. Would suit pasty person. See E. Joll, High Street.

I'VE GOT enough power left to send one last signal. If that fails we'll have to swim for it. I hope we can make it this time. No anchovies on mine, ta. BOX M16.

DECAYING BRIEF news reports from times gone by can be found HERE.