TORY 'CREAM FOR SCHOOLS' SHOCK!
Inspired by the plight of a ginger kid blistered by the playground sunshine, Charlton
Bottom decides to take on the Head of Bristol City Council in an e-fistfight.
Seconds out! Ding-a-ling!
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TURNING BACK TIME
The wait is over, the designs have been studied and the votes have been cast
and counted - the replacement for the long lost clock tower has been
finally revealed. Albert Mills reports.
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CHARITY ENDS AT HOME
Information has emerged this week, via a leaked top-secret government document, that the residents of Keynsham town are officially the most generous in the country.
Eli McChurch reports.
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THE TOWER OF BEAGLE
This month Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum can solve two big local mysteries in one scoop - the ongoing saga of the missing Clock Tower and the whereabouts of Mars explorer Beagle 2 - lost following a lack of communication.
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NOAH ENTRY TO TRAFFIC
In a radical move to increase the number of punters in Keynsham Town Centre, the local Council have unveiled ambitious plans to give the main drag a Venice-style makeover. Albert Mills donned his wellies and went along to find out more.
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HACKED BY THE CHANDAGS
The Wellsway Liberation front strikes out at Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum by hacking into and vandalising this very website at the start of last month, causing wobbles in the stock market both here and in the States. A worried Albert Mills investigates.
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'PAINT-GATE': THE GLOSS SHINES NO MORE
While expensive legal teams frown and bark at each other in the BANES/Mowlem "Paint-Gate" courtroom fiasco, a simple, cost-effective plan to save Charlton Road could be
emerging from the ruins.
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INVASION OF THE ROUNDABOUTS
As Keynsham High Street braces itself for a deluge of new roundabouts and pedestrian crossings, we take a look at the impact that this worrying proposal will have on the town's traffic system and ask the question: "Is this really necessary?". With exclusive animation.
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WELLSWAY LOONIES TO STRIKE AGAIN?
Two months ago Keynsham's Town Hall mysteriously caught fire. Now a radical group calling themselves 'The Wellsway Liberation Front (WLF)' are claiming responsibility
for this shocking crime.
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SOFA, SO GOOD, SO NOW WHAT?
Keynsham residents have called for the town's recent 'Comfy Motorists' experiment to be made permanent following a successful trial period held at the former Cannock's site throughout December 2003.
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ROMAN ROAD RUINED
Only last year Keynsham's Charlton Road was resurfaced, allegedly. Yet today, six months on, the road is in worse condition than it was before the work was carried out. Charlton Bottom asks: 'Who is to blame for this waste of tax payers money'.
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LEEDING THE WAY TO THE TOP
Keynsham Town Football Club could be set to join the country's soccer elite if radical plans to merge with Leeds United get the go-ahead, in a move that would see the cash-stricken Premiership side certain to relocate to the town.
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CANE SHUM FOR THE COUNCIL?
Following last years allegations that Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum is nothing more than a council-fronted publicity scam, Albert Mills takes time to wonder what Keynsham would look like if we really did run the town.
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THE FUTURE IS SET TO HAPPEN...
Scientists at the World-famous University of Keynsham have this week revealed their future vision of the town to startled residents, via an exhibition at the local library. We sent Albert Mills along to see what lies in store for us.
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CONGESTED? COUGH UP
In a set-to-be controversial manoeuvre, BANES has released details of the latest phase of it's 'Cash Flow Increase Initiative'. Falling in line with central London, motorists driving into Keynsham centre will be hit by a new 'BANES Congestion Charge'.
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END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT
A local clairvoyant has voiced predictions of a gloomy future for Keynsham and it's residents, following the unearthing of ancient literature warning of imminent apocalypse in one of the town's lesser-known roads.
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THE MOLEHILLS ARE MOUNTAINS
A Keynsham farmer has called for immediate government intervention following the mystery appearance of an over-sized mole on parts of his land situated on the southern outskirts of the sleepy Somerset town.
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STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN
You will have noticed over the last few months an abundance of alarmingly fast, ridiculously noisy, "full body racing kit"; super-loud stereo system-equipped motor cars and cheesy hair-drier-like scooters zooming around our sleepy town.
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DODGY BALLS IN BLOW SHOCK!!
A local businessman has this week announced ambitious plans to launch Keynsham's very own lottery prize draw - KLOTTO! - with lucky townsfolk set to bathe in the glamour and excitement that comes with life-changing riches.
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MARKET RUMOURS PERSIST
Keynsham is still feeling the aftershocks from the decision to close the town's farmers market after less than a year in operation, amid unconfirmed reports that a thirteenth-hour rescue package may be on the horizon.
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CAR PARK TO C.R.A.P PARK
A recent Bath & North East Somerset Council press release has revealed that the 'Pay & Display' parking in Keynsham has been a huge success, generating enough revenue to continue with the next phase of the 'Car, Recreation and Amenities Plan'.
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THIEVES ARE OPERATING IN THIS AREA
Mystery surrounds the whereabouts of Keynsham's infamous clock tower following reports of strange noises in the High Street, amid fears that the oft-broken timepiece may have been taken hostage by a Bitton-based extremist organisation.
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