PLANS TO rename Keynsham's Leisure Centre 'The Pleasure Centre' were thrown out last week when advertising standards officials intervened, vetoing the move. An official agency spokesman commented: "Gross deception shall not be tolerated at any level, including backstreet recreational facilities. We are outraged." Local renaming committee officials have opted instead for the more-accurate alternative name - 'Let's Fornicate'.

KEYNSHAM'S POPULATION could double if plans to open an 'adult' shop are given the green light, according to leading sex experts.

TEN THINGS that got Keynsham onto the regional TV news programmes.

[1] The Great Flood™
[2] The house that blew up
[3] A bus nearly falling over
[4] Gravestone toppling
[5] Romans under the by-pass
[6] The town hall 'fire'
[7] The TSB bank raid
[8] The Beagle 2 project
[9] 'Cadbury's to close'
[10] Aliens over Manor Road

A SELF defence course is being introduced for worried criminals in the Keynsham area, following an outbreak of vigilante attacks in the town. The session will be held at the newly-refurbished police station next Thursday (22nd) by World-reknowned Shitzikate guru Dave Miyagi. The number of reported crook beatings has trebled in the last six months alone.

MYSTERY STILL surrounds the theft of Keynsham's beloved bandstand from the Memorial Park. The structure, widely regarded as the inspiration for Concorde, disappeared over a decade ago in a blaze of public outcry. One local detective told us: "We've not had a single lead since it went missing. It's as if it were beamed up by aliens." The pointy-roofed building played host to a wealth of music stars in it's time, including U2 and Elton John. MORE

COULD 'DIS Be Cane Shum has received a nomination for a 'Webby' - the Internet's very own Oscars™. The site is up for the 'Funniest Keynsham Site' gong, along with the BANES effort and a site about locally-made fudge. Wish us luck folks!

LOCAL COUNCIL chiefs are set to launch their radical 'Grow Your Own Wheelie Bin' scheme following a successful trial in nearby Woollard. The environmentally friendly campaign will begin in late August, weather permitting. Home owners have been advised to stock up on Plastiscene and Isopon.

NEXT YEAR'S Keynsham Music Festival will once again see the likes of street theatre, children’s activities, a farmer's market and a repeat of this year's international super-star musicians. Now, many of the younger generation have seen a chance to get on board and contribute to the wonderful community event. Billy Oswald will be entering his very own fire sculpture - in the shape of a real Ford Escort! Gavin Lawless and Gary Upum have plans to re-enact the infamous street battle of 2001 outside the Charcoal Grill on Bath Hill, where many greasy takeaway food products were slain. On a lighter note, our very own Muhammed Saeed Al-Sahaf will be taking the opportunity to show off his latest sculpture in the Memorial Park, made entirely of dog poo! Go Mo! And if you look closely, you may catch a glimpse of Charlton's extra large Bottom as he joins the 2005 Streets Alive event. For more information, please contact the festival co-ordinator on 0117 9868683.

WHILST THOSE two commendable students hassle 'The Man' for funding in order to turn the ex-picture house into something altogether much better, the building is still standing, barely. One new graffiti 'tag' has been added to the doorway area, with at least fifty new pigeons seen entering via the roof. Rumours that Oasis used the place to rehearse prior to their Glastonbury headline slot remain undenied.

FOR SALE: High quality recreation ground turf. Unwanted due to redevelopment. Contact local council planning dept.

WANTED: Homes for the elderly. Site ready and waiting. Cash too. Call Planning Dept. BOX 667.

FREE: To good homes. Ducks and pigeons. All shapes and sizes. Buyer collects. Contact Park Warden, Memorial Park. Weekdays. N/C.

I THINK We're nearly there my love. They got the wire and we'll be heading home soon. Sit tight, will call you. Pizza was shite. BOX M16.

AN OLD pile of yester-month's news can be found HERE.