Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum - The Miller's Tale With Albert Mills

There's an old adage that I'm particularly fond of that says 'What doesn't go around, comes around anyway'. It can be used to explain any number of strange goings-on, simply because Karma is a fickle and, at times, unpredictable beast.

Take, for example, the case of the much-maligned 'Old Cinema'. In it's heyday it was the very epicenter of entertainment, providing the townsfolk with a place to marvel at the latest Hollywood, nay, Stockwood blockbusters. As kids we thought of the old Flea Pit as some kind of magical palace, where the wall came to life and the curtains were very big.

MILLS ON WHEELS

SO SAD to see the powers that be have opted for a temporary patch-up job on Charlton Road. Spilling some old sump oil on the road and chucking a bag of gravel on it does not a road surface maketh you silly fools. And what about the bits you've left? They'll be bare and rutted come winter. You are simply very, very retarded in your thought processes aren't you. Who elected you anyway? Oh, right.

Nowadays, sadly, the silver screen is more a shade of algae-green, while the place is run down and asbestos-ridden. Primitive, unintelligent, fresh-out-of-the-nest creatures have found their way into the roof space, leaving excrement and damage everywhere whilst using it for mating purposes. Pigeons also use the premises. Who could've predicted back then the pitiful demise of this wonderous building?

Of course, before the by-pass stole the town's soul, the citizens of Keynsham would've rallied around and fixed the place up as good as new with little more than a tin of paint, some chicken wire and a few copies of the Bible. Even our beloved St Keyna would have shown up and turned some vermin to stone, such was the Keynsham spirit back then.

ALBERT'S MINI MOAN

WITH ALL this talk of merging and closing schools, I can't help but think the population of this town are overlooking an obvious solution. Instead of rambling on about which site is best etc, why can't everybody go home, close the curtains, bin the condoms and shag like beasts possessed? If the classrooms aren't full up, fill 'em! Hell fire people, if the biggest problem in my life could be solved by a year of intense sex, I'd be bloody delighted. Knackered too. Now go and make babies.

These days, the only Keynsham spirit you'll see is in Balaarrat Wines. But out there in the distance, a new force is gathering momentum. A group of local students have conjured up a cunning plan to turn the sorry pile into a place of beauty once again, replete with Youth facilites and even, yep, you guessed it, a cinema! Bravo!

A QUESTION

DO PORN stars ever throw a sickie?

Instead of the vandals smashing the place up, they will be given the chance to develop artistic skills and learn how to entertain themselves. They'll be free to explore the endless possibilities of music, dance, the arts and other self-help hobbies. Admittedly, most successful musicians, actors and dancers end up dead in the bath having choked on their own vomit, but at least they don't break into old picture houses whilst doing it, and whatsmore, they have immense fun along the way. Besides, all that hotel-smashing stuff only happens in London, New York, Ivybridge or Los Angeles.

So come together good people of Keynsham and support this venture with all your might, because it's only boredom that causes kids to damage things and piss through shop letter boxes. Give them a guitar or a set of water colours and they might just change their ways. I say might because, as I mentioned already, Karma is the master of surprise. It could just be that some even bigger kids come along and level the entire site in the name of Retirement Homes.
Albert Mills

1. Why is it that it's only when driving in the car park next to the fire station that you can make Starsky and Hutch style wheel screeching noises? [Albert Mills: And I thought that just happened to me]
2. When's someone going to do something with the pigeon coop (sorry, bingo hall)?
[AM: Hopefully soon - see the piece above]
3. Mark Williams (top snooker player) came to Keynsham a few weeks back, and the only adverts for it were INSIDE the snooker hall, what a pile of arse (not a question really I suppose).
[AM: Arse indeed! Not an answer really either!]
4. Why is the new playgroup building next to Kelston school shaped like a World War 2 bunker?
[AM: Have you seen what's going in there?! Toddlers! It'll need to be bomb proof, hence the shape!]
5. When's someone going to tell the guy with the metallic green Porsche that it looks silly?
[AM: Ha ha ha! Nice one centurian! You just told him!]
6. When are Tripps going to go public with their 'Copies Of 'Special' Photos People Brought In' board? [AM: Soon we hope. Online. Here!]
7. Is it coincidence that the tattoo parlour is 20 feet from the printer cartridge shop?
[AM: Well spotted, but it's half the cost to get a tattoo done, and greener too!]
8. Who's Harriet? And where did she get her yard? [AM: Heh! The EU want to rename it "Harriet's Metre"]
9. Why did it take 6 months to realise that Charlton Road was buggered?
[AM: Because the BANES traffic dept never use it!]
10. Where do the ducks go at night-time? [AM: They sleep under feather-filled duvets]

"That's it, I'll go now, um, sorry." [AM: Thanks for your letter Queen. Anyone else wanna ask questions?]