EXPERTS EXAMINING rubble removed from the site of the former listed building near Cannock's have found what they believe to be the remains of a door handle, prompting the re-excavation of the nearby road. Delays are set to last 15 weeks.

A PUBLIC meeting is being held at the disused Charlton cinema to discuss the urgent need to find a location for the town's proposed new public meeting hall.

THE MAN behind KLOTTO!, Mr Jake Dodgy, was this week arrested for attempting to operate a public lottery without an appropriate gaming licence. Dodgy, 67, was placed on remand and will stand trial at Cane Shum Crown Court in June.

TEN THINGS you don't see anymore in Keynsham.

[1] 'Banjo Island' graffiti
[2] That nativity box at Xmas
[3] The Dunster Rd peacock
[4] Shoppers in Leo's
[5] Half day closing
[6] 'Frank The W*nk'
[7] The 'boating house'
[8] Anyone from Libourne
[9] The Cadbury sign lit up
[10] The Friday market

Just as we were going to press we received this astonishing email. "Dear Caneshum, with reference to the fire at Keynsham Town Hall on Saturday 27th December 2003. I am claiming responsibility for this in the name of 'The Wellsway Liberation Front'. Our demands are: Recognition of everything north of the River Chew as a separate town with it's own identity - algebra, Latin, advanced trigonometry and polo as compulsory subjects at Wellsway School, plus a complete ban on any members of the Labour Party canvassing in 'our' town near an election. If these demands are not met then another public amenity is gonna get the chop. Probably that down market leisure centre, I mean - anybody who is anybody wouldn't be seen dead in a common persons gym. Tarquin Llewellyn-Bowen, Co-ordinator & Dinner Party Organisor, The Wellsway Liberation Front." Stay tuned for more as it breaks.

KEYNSHAM RESIDENT Michael Jaggar had a shock last month when he switched on the family television to hear he was to be knighted. After many excited phone calls to family and friends, he realised that it was ageing rocker Mick Jagger who was to be knighted by our Queen, and not himself. Idiot!

One in five of Keynsham's dogs are now more intelligent than their owners, according to a report published in the monthly canine fashion magazine 'Doggy Style'.

THE DEADLINE for the submission of designs to replace the still-missing CLOCK TOWER has been extended to February 29th following a lack of interest. Local big-wigs hope to unveil the winner in March.

MEDICS WERE called to the Trout Tavern in Temple Street last week when a controversial survival challenge nearly ended in tragedy. Local man Ian Chandos had been attempting to live for 40 days on a cider-only diet when the pumps ran dry. Paramedics arrived via a local branch of Threshers, administering medication at the scene. Mr Chandos has already been the target of protest attacks, having been pelted with peanuts and pickled eggs. The stunt is set to end on January 29th. MORE.

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We 'ere in Keynsham have our very own OBE owner? Well nor did we 'til we stumbled across this fact on the most wonderful interweave. Mail us if you know who this proud owner is. Answer next month.

A ROW has broken out between neighbouring towns over who should fund the disposal of a large MOLE carcass found near Charlton Road last week. Queen Charlton Parish has denied all responsibility, declaring that Keynsham should remove the 2-metre long rotting mammal. Magistrates yesterday adjourned the case for five weeks while reports are prepared.

WANTED: Reliable smoke detection system. Please see Maude Buyer, Town Hall.

FOR SALE: Christmas lights. Some not working, but mainly in good condition. Would suit buildings or similar. Contact Cuthbert Shrimp, Keynsham Town Council.

FOR SALE: Robo-Droid III chocolate mining system. Unwanted gift. Would suit multi-national confectionery company or first-time buyer. Contact Somerdale 86567.

IT WAS ME! I saw you from Greggs. Your car was very round and citric. I'm carrying the Alien Child. It might be yours. Please get in touch. BOX 94875.