THERE WAS a shock for townsfolk this week when news broke that the main Flake seam in the Cadburys Somerdale Mines has dried up. A statement released by the company's head press officer, William Wonka read: "The story of the diminished Flake seam is true, but we are undertaking measures to alleviate this issue. We have employed several chocolate diviners who are confident that they will source another seam in the next few days, meaning your favourite Flake bar will not disappear from the shop shelves."

KEYNSHAM'S ANNUAL town meeting - scheduled for 26th April 2004 at Elim Church, Balmoral Road - is set to feature a live concert appearance by controversial American shock-rocker Marilyn Manson.

SAINTS OR sinners? Here's a chart of ten roads in Keynsham, all bearing the name of saints.

[1] St. Annes Avenue
[2] St. Clements Road
[3] St. Dunstans Close
[4] St. Francis Road
[5] St. Georges Road
[6] St. Johns Court
[7] St. Keyna Road
[8] St. Margarets Close
[9] St. Marks Close
[10] St. Patricks Court

WILDLIFE EXPERTS have warned that the duck population in the town's Memorial Park faces extinction if a recent culling exercise is ever repeated. The successful thinning exercise, held in November, reduced bird numbers by 93%, following complaints from local park users.

RADICAL PROPOSALS have been formally approved for the demolition of the Leo's (Co-op) building in the town's Ashmead Industrial Estate region, in order to make way for a supermarket.

ICELAND SUPERMARKET has made the Guinness Book Of Records by being the earliest shop in the World to celebrate Christmas, ever. Next year the store plans to hang up the tinsel and spangley bits in April.

IN A bizarre twist of fate, Keynsham Rugby Club have matched the feats of the England Rugby Squad by winning the World Drinking Cup. They beat the Australia side in extra time at the bar, following a dropped pint.

A BANES employee was sacked from his position on the Council this week, after his one of his suggestions was found to have been sensible, thus saving the tax payer money. A tribunal hearing is set for next March.

EXPERTS HAVE predicted that the entire south-west region will sink into the Bristol Channel if the increased trend for so-called 'fly tipping' is not halted within the next 5 years. 'WHO ARE YA?'

KEYNSHAM TOWN F.C.s Commercial Manager has this week admitted that he would lower himself to match-fixing in order to give the first team the occasional 3 points. William Bloke told us: "I'd have done it the other week when we got beaten 5-0 by Welton Rovers, but I didn't have a lot of money left after I'd had a skinful in The Ship on the way to the match. I did offer the referee 50p but he just told me to piss off as he was having a shower at the time."

JUST GOT back from a secondment on Mars? You'd better catch up on old news by clicking HERE.

Applicant: Mr A B See
Request: For change of use of 1, High Street into a 'useful non-charity shop'.
Objections: BANES Planning Dept. "We're very sorry, but useful shops have no place in Keynsham."
Verdict: Refused.

A KEYNSHAM man is making a good recovery at home this week after ringing the 'Dial-A-Ride' bus serivce only to be told: "The bus is full up". The caller, Mr Silas Grainy, subsequently lost consciousness, hitting his head on the dining table. The staff here at Could Dis Be Cane Shum wish Mr Grainy a full and speedy recovery.

FOR SALE, T-shirts, front and back print, designer label, well cool. See 'The Firework Shop' for details.

LOST: BANES, their minds! Some time since they were elected. FOUND: Spaces on the Dial-A-Ride bus.

LOST: The rest of the Christmas lights for the High Street. FOUND: Someone who cares!

WAS IT YOU? You were in the High Street, Thur 20th. An alien stole your car and forced you to queue in Greggs. I was the guy in the Jaffa Car. I have important information. BOX 53532.