"Those old prophets and seers often used to bleat on about how mankind would be it's own worst enemy and all that, but these seemingly flippant musings could come true if recent findings by leading University Of Keynsham scientists are accurate. These over-paid beardy types have revealed the discovery of a second hole in the Ozone Layer™, which they have calculated lies directly above the 'Boating Pond' in Keynsham's Memorial Park.

Yes folks, according to these hairy, real ale-drinking, Morris-dancing boffins, the reason why water levels in the pond fluctuate so much is down to the goodly people of this town owning fridges and spraying their stinking pits with Sure. The increased solar radiation leaking through this unwanted gap is also responsible for accelerating the growth of the duck population, while residents in nearby houses have complained of being more tanned than usual. Even the vegetation has gone into fast-forward mode, overpowering the wooden crocodile in the process.

'What's all this got to do with the weather?' I hear you all ask. Bugger all really, but it's still pissing down due to the Micro Climate, so throw me a feckin' bone here - until I start opening village fetes again in the summer, there's not a lot else to go on about." Albert Mills