POLICE HAVE closed off a section of Keynsham's Pixash Lane refuse tip after it was discovered that the local Roman Ruins™ had been accidently 'thrown out' by over-zealous council workers.

KEYNSHAM CAME seventh in the recent Top Ten Turd Towns national survey, with an average of 5.45 turds per metre of pavement. Bristol headed the list with 10.76.

THE PEOPLE'S Radical Information Clan of Keynsham this week announced that they will be making radical information available to all passers-by in the High Street next Saturday (weather pending). Exactly what "radical information" is we have yet to find out, but we're sure the P.R.I.C.K.s will inform us soon.

TEN MORE things you don't see these days in Keynsham.

[1] Kids playing 'Kerbie'
[2] The bandstand
[3] People called Keyna
[4] Cops in the High Street
[5] Inter-school punch-ups
[6] The Unigate dairy
[7] Bristol Rovers players
[8] 'Scroungers' at the tip
[9] Mini dart busses
[10] Escaped livestock

RAGING CONTROVERSY surrounded Cadbury's chocolate factory last night as it emerged, via a leaked report, that there may soon be a nationwide shortage of its chocolate buttons. The report claims that due to a cull of rabbits in the area, chocolate buttons are now seriously under threat. The patented process of making Cadbury's Buttons is well known, but to the uninitiated they are made at the Somerdale site by sweeping the fields of rabbit droppings, drying them out and flattening them with heavy rollers. Due to the rabbit's habit of burrowing into the chocolate rich seams beneath Cane Shum, the droppings are almost edible, as are the buttons. A spokesperson for Cadbury's, Miss Inga Brain, refused to comment, but off the record agreed to meet me at the Pioneer pub later. I'll let you know how my date went another time. Simon B.

POLICE ARE questioning a man following the theft of over 10 tons of river water from the River Avon last week. The liquid was discovered in a lock-up in Berkeley Gardens on Sunday by frightened residents.

PLANS TO convert Keynsham Hospital into a work house were formally given the green light at a recent meeting of the town's Chamber Of Horrors. The refit will begin in May.

MYSTERY SURROUNDS the whereabouts of a carved wooden crocodile, last seen on the island in the Memorial Park boating pond. The statue, measuring over 3 metres in length, was a gift from the people of Libourne, Keynsham's French 'twins'.

A LITTLE known book written by JR Tolkien, of Lord Of The Rings fame, entitled Twin Burning Rings, is to be adapted to a screenplay. The literary gem will be produced, directed, filmed and financed by two local lads. Denis Rim and his twin brother Rick, told us they plan to prepare for the filming at The Trout Tavern "on a Friday night", then film the soon-to-be classic movie on the Saturday morning, during the aftermath of an evening of relentless cider drinking. Rick and Denis invited Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum to witness the filming of this mini epic movie. Sorry guys, but we have other plans! (Plans yet to be confirmed).

FOSSILISED NEWS briefs can be found HERE.

LAST MONTH we asked 'Who is an OBE in Keynsham?'. Answer - Alan Edwin King OBE, for services to the Church of England. Nice one Al!

"I REPRESENT a small collective of pro-active historians in the town and had hoped that you could support our cause to reinstate the Abbey in Keynsham to its former glory, thus demanding city status for Keynsham. If you could lend some weight to this highly popular idea we might even consider calling the new city Cane Shum - not really after you or your web site, more to do with the Vikings calling it Caneious Shummus, derived from the Latin to shum a cane. We look forward to hearing from you. Yours sincerely." Major Foster Topley, Green Hill Farm.

FOR SALE: New, all sizes, top branded sports footwear available, prices from £10. Contact Mrs Cribbins, 72, The Big Hill, Compton Dando. Please send SAE for full list and prices.

WANTED: Storage space, must be local and secure. Cash waiting. PO Box 999.

THE ALIEN child is mine? Have The Leaders been in touch yet? Kronigan The Dark has plans to rescue the car. My hideout is in danger of flooding. You must fetch help, I can't stay hidden much longer. Do you have Marmite? BOX 827312/b.